Travelogue 923 – August 4 Long Strand 

Distances are deceptive here. I hardly need reminding that the Netherlands is a small country, but standing there on the sea, it’s driven home. Looking one way, toward the north, the coast curves out toward the sea so we can see a long way. At the farthest reach of sight, there is what looks to be a small city skyline on the shore. I haven’t been able to figure out what town that could be. But the most conservative option puts it halfway to Amsterdam’s nearest coast. Looking the other way, we see all the way to the port. It looks like an industrial Emerald City, oil tanks and cranes and magic castles. It’s disorienting for me because in the map in my head the port near Hoek van Holland and Rotterdam and where we are now, near Den Haag, is a triangle encompassing a good deal of territory. We expended quite a bit of energy travelling along one side of that triangle today: the Metro to a train to a long tram ride. I’ve been cycling, spending hours on paths well within the confines of that triangle. Then we’re on the beach, and there’s the Hoek van Holland looking like a casual stroll away. It doesn’t seem right, even though I am enjoying the opportunity of long views.

It’s like it takes the sea to force some perspective on the mind. Like human roads are mazes, and we’re perpetually scurrying in tight little switchbacks, escaping the big minotaur of our small spaces.

We’re trying something new today. Every year, we make a trip to the beach at Scheveningen. It’s a family tradition. That mission has already been accomplished to everyone’s satisfaction, last week. It was a beautiful day when we went to Scheveningen, and we did a lot of swimming. It was high tide, and the waves were high and crashing. The girls were screaming almost constantly, running away from every new wave.

Today, we’re trying a new beach for the first time. It’s south of Scheveningen, though still within sight of it. We can see the Ferris wheel on the pier.

Travelogue 922 – July 26
Dawn Ride

At 5:30 in the morning, the clouds are grand in scale, drifting quickly across the screen of the sky. Maybe it’s the framing of the bedroom window that exaggerates their size. Everything is early morning grey. The background of the sky is pearlescent; the clouds more the shade of San Francisco fog rolling in off the Pacific, making only idle threats. With every day, the summer gets older, and sun’s light gets a later start. This was the tint of the sky half an hour earlier just a month ago. I’m going to get up. My mind gives the order a few times. Each time it seems to me the body obeys, but then I wake up in the same position. Finally, the order takes, and I’m out of bed.

The catalyst for rising this early is my new bicycle. My guy at the local bike shop put it together from an old frame and bits and pieces. It’s light and fast, but nothing like a high-end racing fiets that would cost thousands and excite all kinds of anxiety. No, this is purely for fun. I throw on the first old running clothes I can find, and I’m outside. The new bike rolls along so lightly and smoothly compared to my day-to-day omafiets with the child’s seat that I’m surprised how quickly I reach the outskirts of town and can look out over the open fields.

I’m rediscovering bike paths I haven’t seen since I first moved here. I had a lot of time for exploring back then, before Menna arrived. There are a lot of narrow little roads and even smaller bike paths that criss-cross these green strips of pastureland that almost float among a grid of little canals. These fields stretch west into what’s called the ‘Westland’, the lands lying between Rotterdam and the ports and the seacoast.

The peace and the chance to speed along under glorious skies are all I care about. The clouds have retreated to the horizons, and they are white with the day’s new light. These flat stretches of land make the skies seem vast, seem more than their hemisphere of space, seem like our true domain, seem like a domain of spirit and joy. The exercise hormones are obviously kicking in. The space and the pace are intoxicating. No stop lights.

Travelogue 921 – July 24
Hard Workers

It’s summer vacation at last. My last day at work for the school year 2019-2020 was last Friday, and it was rather anti-climactic. I was just cleaning up small tasks. That’s good time management; I had no pile of unfinished work; I had no disasters to resolve. I’ve earned a right to brag about that, since much of my work life here has been messy and poorly managed. I’m fortunate in my colleagues’ patience.

Speaking of messy lives, I watched an interview with Jim Carrey last night. He’s about to publish a memoir, which seems to be a crazy fictionalization of the truth. Should we be surprised? It’s a daring move for the actor and comedian. A book like that has to be genius to rise above the initial gotcha. His motion picture magic is sometimes genius, sometimes bathos, but always memorable. It’s likely the book will be a similar mix, leaving the reader unsure how to judge it, unsure whether he or she should have spent the time reading it. Just watching him in an interview provides that same kind of stress, the anxiety you get watching a tightrope walker. What’s missing is the grace or the sense you get with a tightrope walker that, well, he’s a professional and will not fall. Carrey pushes it every time. Watching him is to squirm with discomfort.

The self-own in the interview is his admission that a character in the book, named something like ‘Laser Eyes’, is in reality Tom Cruise, who he criticizes for his calculating intensity. The truth is, these are two men I admire quite a bit, and for the same reasons. They try hard. They take risks. Dial up both of those qualities, and you have the near-insane intensity that Carrey criticizes. The two of them don’t just take risks; they never stop taking risks. They don’t just try hard; their lives are continuous effort. I really admire them for that, and I enjoy the strenuousness of their performances. I know that isn’t a popular opinion, but I do think the intensity and commitment do pay off. They have made themselves into artists. And both of them, consciously or unconsciously, benefit from the high-wire tension of tempting failure.

I think people prefer artists who achieve their effects effortlessly. In many cases, that is an illusion, but some just have natural grace. Unfairly, the most careless artists are often the ones that achieve the sublime, a quality that a labourer like Carrey visibly yearns for all his life. If he did attain the sublime, it was early on, in his Fire Marshall Bill days, or maybe in “Dumb and Dumber”. I shouldn’t comment on comedy greatness.

Anyway, all that occurs in a realm far above mine, where corrected papers, quickly forgotten by author and teacher, have all been filed away; where the work email account has been programmed with an automatic reply; where purposeless time has urgent purpose. I have four weeks or so, just enough time to lose track of time. I wish the summer were more summer-like. The Dutch summer is already over, as far as I can tell. The weather has reverted to never-ending spring, intermittent cloudiness and cool breezes.

Travelogue 920 – July 5
Hard Lines

It doesn’t help that the winds are back. It puts me in mind of February, when the winds were hard and constant, when the winds were exhausting me. And ultimately those winds seemed to bring the virus in their malevolent persistence. Significantly, when March brought calm rains, the disease took hold and spread among those ominously cloudy and quiet times. What are these winds carrying?

I struggle on my bike against June’s winds as I take on February’s responsibilities again. Baby is back in school. Little Ren is going back to day care. The spring’s calm agenda is chopped up into rushes of activity.

It’s time to practice my Stoicism, practice humble (and uncomplaining) observance of duty. I am still reading Aurelius, by now in Book Twelve of the “Meditations”. I should derive strength from his guidance. Maybe I do.

But it happens that I’ve also picked up the latest book by Michel Houellebecq, “In the Presence of Schopenhauer”. Schopenhauer, in the English translation of Houellebecq’s translation, says of the Stoics that their ideal, “the Stoic sage, is described in a way deprived of any life or poetic truth; he remains a stiff, inert manikin.” Schopenhauer was Houellebecq’s hero when he was young. I certainly don’t see restraint and ‘submission’ appealing to the French author as philosophical principles to live by, especially as a young man.

There is some truth in what he quotes Schopenhauer as saying. I’ve reflected on the flat quality of Aurelius’s moralizing, mistaking it, as I think Schopenhauer does, for a world view. That would not be fair. I do believe these were the emperor’s notes to himself, whether they were published or not. Meaning, they were applied philosophy. His thoughts reference existing metaphysics; they don’t present new systems. Schopenhauer, heir to Kant, wants an explanation for everything. Aurelius wants a moral system that gets him through the day, a notion discredited among the Romantics of Schopenhauer’s day.

The times were very different. Schopenhauer’s call for ‘poetic truth’ gives it away. Nineteenth-century philosophers craved personality and passion, things that a Stoic would have found irrelevant. Perhaps the latter weren’t looking for Zarathustra or C.G. Jung so much as the measures of a good man, which could be applied to all manner of personalities. The Stoics talked a lot about the ‘indifferent’ things, the possessions, qualities and experiences that had no impact on human virtue. It’s tempting to say the indifferent things were the only ones nineteenth century writers were interested in. Think of Flaubert and Hugo and Dickens and Carlyle. So much detail, so much colour and personality. And these became moral principles in themselves.

Travelogue 919 – July 4
Gentle Calendars

The sheep are back. They’ve cycled through the chance plots of grass between here and Schiedam Centrum, and they’ve turned up here again, on a kind of organic schedule based on how fast the grass grows and how quickly a herd of sheep can eat it up. It is surprising how thoroughly they can crop the new growth. There’s no mistaking the path they’ve followed. On one side of the bike path I take every morning, the one that winds up the hill toward the Metro station, the sheep are reclining in the early morning chill, watching my slow progress up the incline. On the other side, the grass is uniformly pared down to yellow nubs.

The progress of the sheep around the neighbourhood form a friendly sort of calendar, nicer than the cruel work calendar, which milks the end of the school year with long days and prolix meetings. It’s nicer than the civic and news calendars, counting the nightmarish days since the corona virus hit and the hellish days until the American election.

There’s another sense in which the calendar has started up again for my family. Now that the Netherlands has the virus pretty well under control, primary schools have been back in session. We kept Baby home for a while longer because I was still getting my lungs checked out. Now she’s back, and I’m back on Papa’s bike duty every morning, lifting Baby up into the bike seat and chugging on that heavy bike all the way to the school in Delfshaven.

I’m afraid I have to report that I’m in horrible shape. How did that happen in just a few short months, since March, when the shutdown started? I look back at my schedule in the fall and winter with some awe. How did I maintain that routine, cycling kids to schools, cycling to work, sometimes cycling downtown for lunch in between classes? On top of all that, I was training for half marathons!

Now that all my road races have been called off, I don’t run much. And until Baby returned to school, getting on the bicycle was to leisurely pedal to the store, no more than a kilometre away. My experience in adapting back to Baby’s school schedule inspires a real dread of the return to ‘normalcy’ in the fall. Do I need to work out this summer, just to be in shape for my ‘normal’ life? That’s not likely to happen. I plan on employing my tried and true strategy of pooling all general anxiety into a reservoir for future nightmares and panic attacks. That works for me every time.

Travelogue 918 – June 27
The Price of Sugar

The heat is muggy and oppressive. Sleeping is difficult, and so is work. The humidity stifles ambition. Last night, the sky was flashing with lightning, and I was wishing for a hard, cleansing rain. But the heavy clouds never offered anything but a drizzle.

My little family sat together in the living room with the TV on and the window open, half lying on the couch in a torpor. We snacked on mandarins and cherries. We’re constantly thirsty these days, and so we eat a lot of fruit. Especially now that we’re trying to be healthier. Baby has been lecturing me about my chocolate habit.

Last week, Papa was groaning about terrible toothaches. They came on every evening during our family time and made Papa very grouchy. That’s when Baby started with her lectures about chocolate, and Papa has taken her point. Now we have bowls of fruit everywhere. I’m not sure the dentist would approve. Sugar is sugar, natural or refined, right? Maybe I have to eat plain oatmeal for the rest of my life.

Dutch dentists waste no time. Within minutes, he had produced an x-ray. Within two more minutes, he was pulling on the offending wisdom tooth. Not ten minutes afterward, I was ejected onto the street with a wad of cotton in my mouth. That was after paying sixty euros, by the way. I questioned the woman behind the counter. “Really, that’s all my wisdom tooth is worth? That was a part of my body. That tooth was attached to my jaw for many, many years.” She wasn’t interested.

I wandered down the Nieuwe Binnenweg in a mournful state, my cheek numb and my mouth full of cotton. I could think of no better way to honour the tooth’s memory than to buy some pastries as Jordy’s the best bakery in town, placed strategically near my dentist’s office. I couldn’t eat anything yet, so I carried on with dejected walk, bag of goodies in hand. I would end up passing most of these treats on to the girls.

The girls went to bed, and the long, slow summer evening dissolved into darkness behind the flashing clouds There was still no relief from the humidity. I opened the front door, desperate for some air. I sat outside a while, watching the lightning. A number of neighbours were doing the same. It was kind of pleasant, after all. The storm did bring with it a cooling breeze. There was nothing else to do in this heat. At least there was no pain. My tooth was gone, and there was peace.

Travelogue 917 – June 19
All the Questions

It was a lovely day spring day, the last spring day. The weather was intermittently sunny –intermittent often being the best we can hope for in Holland – and so I promised the girls they would each get a ride on the bike. Baby Jos I took across the river to the bakery for treats and to the Zeeman’s for socks for both girls. They burn through those little socks very quickly.

Baby Jos is so big now, she barely fits into the bicycle seat. We have to buckle her shoes into place so they don’t get caught among the spokes of the wheels, but she’s such a tall girl her knees rise high above her lap and swing back and forth as we ride. She’s so heavy, the back tire provides little cushion against the bumps in the road. This summer I have to teach her how to ride a bike. I didn’t expect her to grow so quickly; or perhaps it’s the time that’s grown so quickly.

They have their similarities, Time and Baby Jos. They are both incessantly asking me hard questions, ones I can’t answer. That’s Baby’s conversational style now, insistent questions. Her goal in conversation is to be heard. She wants to hear her words fed back to her, and she gets upset when someone is too distracted to do that. That aggressive note seems familiar. Ah yes, it’s the unrelenting bray of American political discourse. How could I have missed that? In a child, it’s a stage. In adults, it’s the desperate shouting of bullies. It’s the sad cry for help of the morally deficient.

Baby Jos is no bully. She already has her moments of being uncannily perceptive. She hears what you say. She notices what you’re feeling. She can be surprisingly sympathetic. Papa has been experiencing another round of tooth pain, and Baby Jos gives him a hug sometimes and says she wishes she could give him a special present. The present would make everything better.

Baby’s questions reflect her intellectual and moral growth. She’s constantly acting out stories during the day, stories populated with cats and butterflies and dinosaurs. She needs to figure the world out. Her urgency is the hunger for life.

The urgency of political bullies is the urgency of arrested development, adults who need to be heard though they have nothing to say. Society has failed to come up with mechanisms to care for people like this. Instead, our society keeps parroting the false notion that all opinions are valuable and confusing that notion with the much more sacred rule that tells us every person is valuable. My wife values me as a man and as a partner, but she does not value every opinion of mine. I have learned that I am not as smart as I thought I was, and I have been able to do that without being discounted as a human being.

I have a feeling that Baby Jos will play a similar role in my life. She corrects me all the time. She is the big sister through and through. She knows how things should be. “You need to share, Pop.” Yes, Baby. “If you don’t share, then your babies won’t have any, and we will cry.” I’m sorry, Baby.

We have made it across the river, Papa pedalling hard up the big hill and coasting down the other side, pointing to the pretty river below. On the way back, we watch a boat emerge through the narrow passageway underneath the same bridge. Baby Jos corrects me. “That’s a ship. Like what Sinter Klaas comes on.” Oh yes! She’s remembered the December school activity, in which the class went to the pier to watch Sinter Klaas’s arrival. She has a great memory.

And she continues to jabber some more, and she continues to ask her questions. I turn to tell her I can’t hear. She’s behind me, and the wind carries her voice away. But she keeps talking anyway.

Travelogue 916 – June 10
Jurassic Dreams

At breakfast, I asked the girls about their dreams. Little Ren answered, like she had before, that she had dreamt about baby dinosaurs. She’s been fascinated with dinosaurs for a while. She loves cute babies, and she loves dinosaurs, and so she dreams about baby dinosaurs. Even a baby dinosaur can be cute.

I went through a dinosaur phase as a boy. It’s fun to learn about them again. What a wonder that these monsters existed, wandering the whole planet as some sort of alpha genus! What a wonder to think it was so long ago, and that they lasted for so long! Dinosaurs flourished for something like 160 million years. It boggles the mind. Humans have been around for three million. And they’ve been writing for only about five thousand. That’s one two-hundredth of one million years. It took them a tiny fraction of that five thousand years to develop industry and threaten the planet with a mass extinction. And we look at dinosaurs with horror!

It’s also strange the hold that dinosaurs have over us. We dream about them. They star in our films, TV shows, and theme parks. They inspire us and frighten us. It can’t be entirely coincidental that the first great age of paleontological discovery overlapped with the triumph of Darwinism in science and culture. The dinosaurs seemed “survival of the fittest” in blood, bone and teeth. They were the embodiment of brutal nature. We loved them. The metaphor of “Jurassic Park” is apt; they’re more real, more present, than they’ve been in 60 million years. It’s odd to consider that for most of humanity, living through their brief five thousand years of ascendance, there was no awareness at all of these great monsters from the past. Aurelius, firmly convinced that time provided no surprises, might have been surprised.

For some, the idea of dinosaurs, so wed to ideas of evolution, is oddly threatening. I think the religious right finds dinosaurs the moral equivalent of Democrats. Maybe they are fallen angels, like Obama or Pelosi. Maybe Democrats are essentially figments of our imagination, too: fever dreams to make believers toss and turn at night.

Little Ren wasn’t frightened by her dream, even though the story sounded as though it might be. Two baby dinosaurs followed their mother into a cave. There were two raptors hunting them. The cave shrank, and so their mother shrank, too. She was a baby, too. I think this is the gist of the dream. I admit, I’ve had to interpret some of Ren’s language.

Baby Jos is more into dogs now. She received the gift of a mechanical puppy for her birthday a few days ago, a puppy that yips and whines, walks and sits, eats and sleeps. Jos and her puppy Sparkle are inseparable now. I’m afraid this can only lead to uncomfortable eventualities, like the burden of living pets, real puppies and the hair they shed, the food they quickly process, the needs for baths and walks and training. I might prefer a baby dinosaur. Let him loose in the neighbourhood, and he fends for himself in Darwinian fashion.

Travelogue 915 – June 5
Our City

I carry on with my reading of Aurelius’s “Meditations”. (Would the emperor have objected to that title? The term wouldn’t have carried the same baggage for him as it does for us, its vaguely eastern flavour, or perhaps its suggestion of parallels with essay writers like Montaigne, who Aurelius might have found effete. Would he have understood the kind of packaging he and his writings have been subjected to, making him a viable literary product?)

Reading the Meditations during the various crises of 2020 has thrown some of his principles into interesting relief. Take passage 33 from Book Ten, for example: “In short, never forget that nothing can injure the true citizen if it does not injure the city itself, and nothing can injure the city unless it injures law.”

On the face of it, this sounds like a naïve, or even primitive formulation, but right away it confronts us with Aurelius’s emphasis on social identity. While ideas about interdependence are not too challenging, we’ve drifted so far toward individualism that Aurelius might have been astonished. Imagine his reaction to images of gun-toting demonstrators gathering during a pandemic, shouting they needed a haircut.

What’s a haircut without other people? What’s writing without readers? What’s public health without the public? What’s policing without a society that trusts you? Aurelius would take it further. Inherent in humanity’s purpose is service - to each other and nature and the gods.

Key to understanding purpose was reason. Human reason was created by nature in nature’s image, and it provided the link between service as purpose and service as action. It guided us in the moment. Staying to true to reason and nature would supply purpose. And this purpose was given meaning by service. Nature, in this way, served as law. We interpret nature’s law with reason. And thus we arrive at another sacred principle in the Roman mind. It’s axiomatic that Roman law was critical to the success of the Republic and the Empire. It became a world view. Divinity and law would have been difficult to untangle in the Roman mind.

Noting that the words citizen and civilization derive from the Latin word for city, (and the word police from the Greek word for city,) we begin to see familial relationships among the concepts. We begin to realize how important the city was to classical cultures and how far-reaching the metaphor. As classical culture fell into permanent decline, the concept survived in Christian theology, St Augustine writing about the ‘City of God’, extending the metaphor further. Aurelius was not writing about the physical city of Rome, but about the community of humanity. In this context, we note that, in the quote above, he refers not just to the random citizen, but to the ‘true’ citizen. Does that mean true by definition or true by loyalty? I don’t have the original in Greek at hand, so I’ll guess that it amounts to the same thing. The human loyal to reason and service can never be injured in his essence. Only through lapses in reason can the member of the human community be separated from purpose and compromised.

What can this tell us in 2020? Is it possible that Floyd’s death awakened our own fear of ‘injury’ in a state that has fallen from grace? The police have proven – even more so during the demonstrations – that their perceived purpose has drifted far from service. Are we owning the cognitive dissonance between how our police and government act and what reason tells us is decent and safe and corresponds to nature’s law? That’s a liberal interpretation, I admit. Aurelius spoke much more to personal responsibility than to political science. Maybe it explains better why someone, one among hundreds of thousands, might protest, perhaps seeing the protests as his or her true city. He or she risks physical injury but finds safety for the soul there. Rather dramatic, that interpretation. But it’s worth considering: how do we find that city of Aurelius’s vision?

Travelogue 914 – June 3
Comedy and Art

Movie 4 for my ten-movie Facebook challenge was “Being John Malkovich”. “The Apartment” (Movie 3) had wit. It had style. It was elegantly performed and produced. It was my inspiration to write for theatre. At the same time I caught “The Apartment” on TV “Being John Malkovich” was coming out in movie theatres. I was absolutely enchanted. Who wasn’t? It was bizarre and entertaining throughout. It was unique and also familiar, making you wonder why it hadn’t been done before. It was clever, but the humour was written deeper into the code of the script than witty dialogue. The premise was funny. The performances were great. Just Malkovich’s “Dance of Despair and Disillusionment” was worth the watch.

Watching it was one of those artistic experiences of possibility. This was a writer’s movie, and Charlie Kaufman was a kind of revolutionary in his time. The intellectual challenge here was ‘why not?’ Why not be this silly? Why not re-imagine celebrity this way? Why not imagine an evil puppeteer? And cast Cusack?

Comedy can be categorized in many ways. It has opened itself to me in three phases, I would say, as I’ve thought about it, written about it, tried creating it. The first is the witty, “Apartment”, sort of comedy. This would naturally be the sort that appeals to writers first. Witty comedy is playful, and it continually refreshes itself. It finds its own limited audience among those who have a love of and facility with language.

The second sort was the “Malkovich” sort, in which the comedy was in the premise. ‘In the architecture’, I want to say because the successful writer here is an architect. The concept itself is the joke. It’s daring, and it’s exceedingly hard to achieve because building a funny house means making it funny all the way through, from blueprint to furnishings. It takes more than populating a standard drawing room comedy with unusually funny characters, and manipulating them in very funny ways, as Oscar Wilde might have done. The imagination needs to be engaged in every detail of the structure.

The third sort of comedy to capture my imagination has been farce. I think it would generally be categorized as the basest and the easiest form of comedy. Why do I come to it last? I don’t know, but I do. Maybe it’s the joyfulness of it. There’s art to wit, but there’s less joy. And joy in a concept piece serves a higher purpose, which might be said to diminish joy, if you think joy is its own purpose. A couple years ago, I delved into the Commedia dell'Arte, inspired by my trip to Venice, to perform a farce of mine, as it happens. I started reading and thinking about the Commedia dell'Arte compulsively. I can’t say I broke the code - I sensed mysteries about art and psychology there, - but I did gain some perspective about the evolution of farce from simple street entertainment.

The fact is, since I’ve been in Holland, most of my theatrical writing has been farcical. I’m just wrapping up another silly project now, a serialized Zoom production that was a spoof on “Game of Thrones”. I wrote and directed, and our theatre group performed it. We spent two months on it. Why? It was a lot of work, and the story was ridiculous. We didn’t rehearse; each episode we read once and taped. These were not little gems of sophistication. It was a quarantine project to amuse ourselves. And still I love these videos.

What I keep secret is that I see great art in these little pieces. It isn’t the art of the polished sort. It isn’t the sort that speaks of mastery or that suggests the Sublime. It’s the sort that captures the kind of convergences that I think makes theatre so vital: just the right gesture for just the right word, timed just right and delivered with pleasure. It makes me think of that wonderful word ‘happy’, which, in its etymological roots suggests chance and luck. I’m in love with this kind of art right now, the kind that shows spontaneity, is uneven and imperfect, but every so often produces the radiant moment.

Travelogue 913 – May 30
Spring Update

The grass is growing high. The dandelions are old and spent. Treetops are full of leaves, bright green with spring sap. The first red poppies have bloomed. The sun has been shining without much intermission for weeks.

The girls and I walk along the raised path that follows the abandoned train route. We monitor the wild growth along the sides of the path. We’ve watched the wildflowers cycle through their various seasons, the daffodils and daisies and the dandelions. In summer, the thorny bushes will bear their little blackberries. Little Ren runs and runs. Baby Jos is more cautious. She’s afraid of the big bees. She wants me to carry her past them.

If we go late enough in the day, the shadows are long and the horizontal sunlight strong. In the cooling shade of the wild brush, the insects swarm. We bring bites back on our exposed skin.

When the sun is highest, it shines on the stretch of concrete in front of our front door, freed from the impediments of one building or another. We fill the blue plastic pool with air and then with water. The girls lie in it; they splash each other; they pour cold water from one container to another, little pitcher to little cup, little cup to clear glass. Today they played with water balloons, carrying them around for long minutes as prized toys before tossing them into the air.

On my own walks, I see that football practice has begun again. I see the young boys running and kicking, doing drills, some in blue jerseys and some in black. I walk by the pitches under sun that’s getting hot and in shadow that is still cool. The spring weather has been ideal, sun and temperature balanced as ends of a beam on its lever. I stop in the sun to write on a little pas that fits in my back pocket.

The sheep are progressing now along the other side of that road to Schiedam, advancing patch by patch of unruly grass toward the west, and now they’re grazing on the strip of land separating the road from the train track, in the shadow of the elevated Metro track. They are migrating toward Schiedam, inching toward that train-and-Metro station with the zig-zagging roofline. When they have purged the area, will they board a train back to Limburg?

Travelogue 912 – May 29
Sad Days

My thoughts go out to the people of my old hometown, Minneapolis. There’s nothing I can say about the tragedy that hasn’t been said, and still, there are times you have to say something, nevertheless.

The political situation in America becomes more egregious every day, and, though it’s thousands of miles away, it weighs on me. I’m particularly downhearted today. It’s a depressing time to be American. Power has been seized at every level by the very worst the country has to offer. Of course there are honourable cops and even honourable politicians in America, but the agenda is being dominated by the most revolting and amoral of people.

Regarding the police crisis, my wife said it best, shocked as she was by the Floyd video, that a stray dog in the street would be handled with more human feeling than this poor man. What has happened to these policemen that they feel entitled to be monsters?

When Trump was elected, we might have been tempted to strike heroic poses; we will overcome, we said. Day after grinding day, year after year, we find ourselves more disgusted and demoralized, less heroic.

Trump, for his part, spends his time telling us in startlingly clear language that he will honour no election that doesn’t provide him four more years of power. He orders his Stepford Press Secretary, who has voted by mail-in ballot many times, to argue against mail-in ballots. He comments quite openly that Republicans would lose any election in which all the people have a vote.

Nobody wants violence. So provide people with options! How do you suppose people should respond to a system that kills them randomly and with impunity; that breaks the same laws they hold citizens to; and that openly tells citizens that any vote against them will be nullified?

Republicans, it’s clear you enjoy the game. It’s clear you enjoy winning. When it’s increasingly clear you can’t win without cheating, be careful. Most grifters don’t advertise they’re cheating and then gloat. Okay, that’s just your style. Best to think twice, though, before you back people into corners who have reason to fear for their lives.

Travelogue 911 – May 27
Catharto Auto Bio

I’ve been writing about story-telling again. It’s hard to say what I find so absorbing. I feel sometimes I’ve been working for a lifetime through that one reference in Aristotle to the catharsis of tragedy. Maybe it signifies nothing more than this: that the stories we entertain are the angels and the demons of our own stories. A superficial example might be my partiality to mystery novels, perhaps symptomatic of a vain belief that there are answers to be found for those who search. I also love sci-fi, which might just be a theatre for those who still believe in theology.

But what I do know is how complex our relationships can be with our own stories. We embroider our stories. We soil them. We iron them and fold them. We bleach them, and we dye them. What we can’t seem to do is hang them in sunlight and see them all of a piece with the sure eye of a critic. That’s what the gods and judges are for.

I spent years writing memoir, trying to fashion truth from autobiography, or from a wrenching chapter of it. I can tell you how valuable it is to try, and how foolhardy it is to expect to achieve truth.

One product of that effort was my book, “Careful So”. Five years ago, I published this memoir about my first two years in Ethiopia. My friend, artist Troy Zaushny, created the fantastic cover art for the book. He also created a beautiful companion piece, a print called ‘The Promised’. I never really promoted the book; I was too self-conscious. But I’ve been thinking about it again. Please, dear reader, take a look at Troy’s site. The book is also available for e-readers on Amazon, Lulu, Apple Books, and Nook. A link to the Lulu edition is helpfully provided to the left.

Travelogue 910 – May 25
Blade Runner and Game of Thrones

I don’t remember seeing Movie 5 from my Facebook movie series when it came to the theatres in 1982. I’m pretty sure I did; I just don’t remember it. The effect of this movie grows over time. I believe everyone feels that way about “Blade Runner”. It had a rather lacklustre opening, and now it’s recognized as one of the greats. Rules for the challenge: No specific image that had impact. No top ten list.

There is so much to cite critically, from Philip K. Dick’s story and influence; to Ridley Scott’s youth, vision, and script work; to Vangelis’s score; to the individual performances – Ford’s star power and Hauer’s elegance. The film gathered narrative and visual themes that would fuel sci-fi cinema for decades: the clones and AI; the aesthetics of dystopia; the noir stylings; the menace of runaway tech.

My engagement is with the beauty of this film. Critics lambasted its pace in 1982; I applaud it. Ridley found the riches inside the story. Most of what Hollywood does wrong is suggested by the early criticism of “Blade Runner”, capturing plot and surface personality and leaving all the powerful latencies in a narrative in a rush to print. This film is simply beautiful. The composition of one scene can still move me deeply, quite independently of the plot.

I think a lot about story-telling. In a different genre, the TV series “Game of Thrones” tutored me in similar techniques. The first three seasons were masterfully done, populating a relatively standard fantasy world with compelling characters and investing an arbitrary ‘game of thrones’ among unappealing contenders with some urgency and emotion. Martin deserves a lot of credit; I’m not thrilled by his books, but he drew the blueprint. I learn similar lessons to those I learned from “Blade Runner”, the care for atmosphere and detail, the generosity with time. The characters are incessantly on the road in the first three seasons, and we travel with them. Sure, Martin is a genius with the surprising plot twist, but more compelling was the time spent with characters. One very obvious difference between early and late seasons is how quick the travel becomes. John Snow sends a text message from beyond the wall, and the dragon is there in minutes.

I’ve spent almost two months writing short comic scripts for Zoom productions by my Hague-based theatre group. The premise is a satire of “Game of Thrones”. Even in these silly, throwaway scripts, I see the same principles at work. There’s precious little plot to speak of and the characters are two-dimensional caricatures, and still there’s engagement and involvement. Actors are enjoying the characters and the unfolding story, absolutely meaningless as it is. It’s a kind of divine quality in the human, I believe, to invest lifeless landscapes with movement and passion. To quote another movie classic: “Life will find a way”.

I don’t want to close this blog post leaving the impression that I put “Game of Thrones” on equal footing with “Blade Runner”. The difference lies in that transcendent beauty that the latter achieves. The Romantic poets might have called it the Sublime. Maybe it’s a sad state of affairs that we find the Sublime in sci-fi movies, but, then again … it was Mary Shelley who wrote “Frankenstein”.

Travelogue 909 – May 18
The Apartment

I was living in Minneapolis. I was working for the school district, and I was sharing an apartment with Scottie on Dupont and 28th Street. Domestic life was basic. I had no furniture. Our kitchen was bare. But we had a TV, the kind that was more console than screen. In my mind’s eye, I see a TV like an old station wagon, capacious and lined with fake wood panelling. That TV is where I first happened to see “The Apartment”, the 1960 Bill Wilder film starring Jack Lemmon and Shirley MacLaine.

“The Apartment” was Movie 3 for my Facebook challenge: “Ten images from movies over ten days that had an impact on me.” Rules: No specific image that had impact. No top ten list.

I was writing a lot of poetry at that time. What I saw in “The Apartment” was an artful and polished comedy, relying on witty dialogue and smart acting. The premise was provocative, but simple. The production and sets were beautifully done, but pointedly not epic, as the times favoured. (Ben Hur was the previous year’s big Oscar winner.) The success of the movie was primarily in the writing. Wilder’s work has been called a ‘cinema of words’. It was a theatrical movie in that sense, reading something like a play. And that movie, that evening, inspired me to write plays.

I had been working on a long poem dedicated to the memory of a friend who had died of AIDS. The poem had been through many revisions. The subject was painful, and it haunted me. The poem had evolved by that time into a kind of dialogue among grieving characters.

The day after watching “The Apartment”, I started changing the poem into a play, my first play. That play is still one of my favourites; I reprised it here in South Holland a few years ago, and I self-published it with a set of stories and short memoir a few years ago because it fit so well among my reflections of that earlier period of my life. The play is nothing like “The Apartment”. The inspiration lives solely in the choice of form.

I wouldn’t claim too many favourable points of comparison between Wilder’s writing and my own, beyond a fondness for the snappy comeback (and his are better). What inspired me were the efficiencies of his art. At the time, he was noted for his breaks with the conventions of the art form, but what I responded to, nearly forty years on, were the efficiencies within the form. I had stumbled upon a master, and one who achieved much of his effect through the power of words.

Travelogue 908 – May 14
A Space Odyssey

My friend Marcus nominated me on Facebook to post ten times about ten movies. I doubt I'll make it to ten.I see these Facebook challenges come and go, and I don’t think much about them. But because it was Marcus, and because it was film, I gave it some thought; I'll give it a try.

This is not supposed to be a Top Ten, or a collection of beautiful stills, but an inventory of movies that had an impact in my life. That makes it interesting. I’ll post some here in my blog, since not everyone is on Facebook. I can a little more substance. Facebook is not somewhere I can ramble on.

I saw “2001: A Space Odyssey” in the theatre when it came out. I was just a kid, and it was the first ‘grown-up’ film I remember seeing. Imagine the Kubrick classic being your first impression. I still remember the experience. I remember the monkeys fighting, of course, because I was a young boy. I remember HAL’s voice. I remember the sense of wonder inspired by the scenes in space. We were a family that watched all the moon launches on TV. I remember the music and the stately pace of the film. I remember my father complaining about the film. It was too slow; it didn’t make sense. But it was a beautiful and a challenging film, and it stayed with me.

It’s odd to call up this memory, which floats relatively free from attachments. I don’t really recall the theatre, the trip to the theatre, the popcorn, the seats, anything else. Other movie memories are tied to more tactile impressions. My memory of “Oliver” comes with a few other clips, of the car ride, of my parents laughing at me as I tried to reproduce one of the songs in the parking lot outside. But “2001” stands starkly alone in my memory, just the power of the imagery and sound. And then my father’s complaint.

I imagine he expected more from the film; something more conventional. He was an engineer and a believer in science. He was an enthusiast of the space program. If he had lived long enough, we would have gone to see “Apollo 13” together, and he would have been completely content. ‘That’s what a movie is supposed to be,’ I can imagine him saying. And still, my memory paints him as surprisingly mild in his critique of “2001”. It would have been more in character to rail or dismiss. But my memory portrays him offering calm and rational criticisms. Not ones I would agree with, from my privileged vantage point, more than fifty years later, but reasonable ones. The film took a lot of risks, and certainly not all of them were going to pay off for the average movie-goer.

Travelogue 907 – May 10
Sheep on Grass; Sun on Sheep

For a month or so, someone has been rotating the sheep among the grass verges around our little neighbourhood. We lie in a kind of bowl between the Sparta football stadium and the Metro station. And all around are small strips of open grassy space. Apparently, the city and the shepherds have found some common ground among the unruly grasses of spring.

The sheep first show up on the grassy inclines that lead up to the level of the tram station, first on one side of the staircase and then a few days later on the other side. There look to be about fifty of them. There’s no one minding the sheep. They are confined within flimsy fencing of coloured twine. In a few days, those sheep trim everything green right down to the ground. It’s efficient.

It’s also refreshing. It breaks the hard divide between rural and urban. It eloquently expresses the Dutch commitment to pragmatism and middle ways. It also captures the sense of community so important to the Dutch. We all live together. The sheep show up every spring in this very urban neighbourhood. People pass and smile, or they register nothing.

I like seeing the sheep. They contribute a different element to daily life, a different colour. I stop and watch them. They live at a slower pace. Their job is eating grass. When they’re not chewing, they’re resting; they’re staring. There’s a timelessness to the sight of the sheep in their fields. I know we humans joke that we have lost track of what day it is, but in actuality we are keenly aware of the moment. History is very much present. It takes the form of an airborne virus. It prompts us to watch the headlines every day, count the days, count the casualties.

Every few days, the sheep are rotated to a new field. Eventually, they show up among the small grassy knolls beside the pitches that figure into my daily strolls. The short twine fence appears in my path to interrupt my routine. I stand and watch the complacent sheep munching on their grass.

I feel no resentment. Healthy communities are always in flux. There are tides in urban landscapes, and thhe tides bring noise and inconvenience. It’s best to give way. I take another path, following the dirt paths and then the bike paths. I cross over the busy boulevard that is one border to my small district. I stroll through an abandoned playground, follow the dirt paths around another construction zone, and then along the curving line a canal makes through this neighbouring city village. It’s different. It’s the same. The spring sun still shines on me.

Travelogue 906 – May 9
Guns in the Neighbourhood

We share the planet; we share the virus. Even so, we humans inhabit a variety of different worlds. One reminder came a few nights ago, in the middle of the night. We were woken at 2:20 in the morning by the sound of gunshots. Within minutes, there were police vans cordoning off a section of the street within view of our windows. A few of them were searching the surface of the street with flashlights, looking for bullets. The next morning, I saw the bullet holes in the window and doorway across the street.

We lead our lives in parallel planes. I’ll try a Zoom analogy: we’re all invited into the same Zoom call, but we make our way into different breakout rooms, with different codes of conduct. One room chooses rules of confrontation and strife; another chooses rules of peaceful co-existence and cooperation.

In the same neighbourhood, some people have been living by much more savage rules than the rest of us. And just because it bubbles up once in a public way, like a shooting in the middle of the night, doesn’t mean that their rules are less violent on many other, quieter occasions. This case just rose to the level of our attention.

World events can provide those glimpses into the deeper coding of other rooms. The COVID-19 crisis has offered a rather stark view into the code underlying American society, revealing it as peculiarly tribal and violent. Everything is a contest of wills. The vehemence of the reaction against public health controls was surprising. When it took on the language of war, we understood. Everything is strife, and the U.S. response is to suffer and fight. Life is a Rocky movie. We take our hits. We are knocked to the mat. Our glory is rising again, against all odds, taking a dozen more punches to the jaw, bleeding profusely, but somehow prevailing, if only by dint of our … what? Our size, our ugly charm? Preventive measures are for the weak. Pandemic response in America was never going to be clean or efficient.

There are people with guns in the neighbourhood, and the guns are just the code made manifest. If we had known their lives were so fraught with danger, we might have advised them that life could be easier. But they wouldn’t have listened.

“For who can hope to alter men’s convictions?” Aurelius counsels. He is rounding off his thought that humble goals are best. Aurelius consistently reminds himself, the reader, that all human aspiration is social. There’s a lot of wisdom in this.

Travelogue 905 – May 6
Notre Jardin

“…[D]o what nature is asking of you at this moment,” Aurelius write in Book Nine of his Meditations. Here we find a beautiful passage about humility. He continues, “ …and no glancing around to see if you are observed.” This part reminds me of Matthew 6, written about a hundred years earlier than the Meditations, and which includes this great scriptural line (in King James English): “Therefore when thou doest thine alms, do not sound a trumpet before thee, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may have glory of men.”

Imagine there were no bragging. It’s easy if you try. Imagine no boasting, no selling, no posing. These days, nothing is real until it’s being sold. Imagine no proselytising, no pitching, no preaching, no convincing. Contentment is no virtue in our world. We must exult and shout. We must see our own enjoyment in others’ faces before it’s legit. Barring that, or even in preference to that, we must see judgement in others’ eyes. It galvanises us and informs us that we are on the right side, by virtue of opposition.

“…[D]o not expect Plato’s ideal commonwealth,” Aurelius advises. “[B]e satisfied if even a trifling endeavour comes off well, and count the result no mean success.” I’m doing my part with trifling endeavours. When the shutdown forced my theatre group to cancel a performance, I suggested a Zoom project. We’ve been doing this for about a month now, taping two-minute episodes in an ongoing satire of Game of Thrones and posting them. It’s embarrassing, but it’s been a show of life during a time of restraint, not in protest but in simple celebration of life despite the sombre threat. It’s fun; we spend precious time in a trifling project, and I’d say we derive a certain Aurelian pride from its silliness.

These are such great people. I’m amazed every time they schedule precious time for something as trivial as this. But they do it. And when they pop up in Zoom, I am so gratified. We laugh; we have fun. We produce something ephemeral, but the camaraderie is the reason. What does move us as humans, after all, and what proves most satisfying? Are we most content producing enduring work at great personal expense, or deeply enjoying the production of something fleeting, like the perfect spring garden?

Voltaire famously ended his “Candide” advising us each to cultivate our own garden – after having tracked the misadventures of the book’s naïve hero in a wide and cruel world. This seems the hardest thing for human nature to do, to accept small ambitions. I would hardly suggest I’m an exception to that rule. The mirror and the microphone are dangerous daily temptations - for us all. We crave approval; we want to be seen and heard. We act out, testing our voices in the wind. Who turns their head?

Lacking approval, some of us are happy to be reviled. We march with guns in front of state capitol buildings, and we bask in contempt. To be clear, protesting COVID shutdowns with a gun in hand is no Rosa Parks moment.

Travelogue 904 – May 2
The Biggest Ever!

It’s a different age. My anxiety dreams used to be set in my school or on stage. I would find myself rushing to class and realizing I had no lesson prepared. I would show up to rehearsal without a script. Nowadays, I dream that I can’t get Zoom to work.

Everything is channelled through eye of the internet needle these days. And so much of it is routed through only a few platforms, namely Zoom and Teams and Skype. It’s unnerving to have so much at stake when working in computer environments that are essentially akin to magic, at least for people like me. I used to worry about the power that the masters of local transit had over my life. This is another level.

This is not to suggest a conspiracy. Evil programmers don’t appear in my anxiety dreams. Bill Gates doesn’t dress like Thanos and snap his fingers. Why do I feel compelled to add this disclaimer to every complaint I make these days? An item is missing in the supermarket, I don’t blame Bill Gates. Am I naïve?

It’s another indicator of the age. Conspiracy theory is like ice cream or candy. We show no restraint.

I had some more warnings on Facebook. Trump was right all along about the fake media. Look at these videos of real doctors telling you the coronavirus is a hoax. Death figures are being fudged for profit.

I enjoy this kind of moxie. As though there weren’t enough personality or individuality among the thousands of people working in the media to fill a thimble, but among the few dozen contacts of the conspiracy theorist were all the great mavericks and free-thinkers. As though we couldn’t find a few cranks with geology degrees to say the world was flat. As though hospitals were corporate scams and Fox News were a charity. As though anyone could claim with a straight face that the hospitals have been the centres of excess and abuse during the corona era.

There is something endearing about conspiracy theorists. They dream big. You don’t hear many conspiracies about local elections, or about the goings-on in the neighbourhood. Or can we call gossip conspiracy theory? No, conspiracy always has to be big. It’s the richest men trying the ballsiest gambit to control the whole world, trying to gather all the money ever printed, exploit all the data ever generated, persecute the greatest president and run the greatest nation. And it never stops, either. Conspirators never tire. (And they never seem to win, either. Otherwise, why do they always have to start over?)

Of course all this reminds me of a quote from Aurelius …